A Nomad No More - I'm Home

The other day I finished unpacking my clothes and organizing them in my closet, and I almost started crying. Not because I was tired, frustrated or upset, but simply because I was so happy to have a place to put my clothes away in a neat and organized way. I probably sound dramatic as hell right now but let me tell you why 😂...

For most of my life, home was never a physical place, it'd always been wherever my mom and sisters were. I moved around a lot. The way when my friends would say they were going home, they were talking about the same home they'd lived in for the past decade, I've never had that. One year I might've been living in a nice house in the suburbs, and the next I could've been living with a close friend because even my mom didn't even have her own place to stay. In college, I was blessed to be an RA because sometimes my dorm was the only place I had to go, even on breaks. 

Because of this, I got extremely used to living out of suitcases and/or having small spaces to store my belongings.  This also meant I was constantly having to get rid of my belongings so they would fit wherever I was staying. Even the things I could keep would get lost in all of the moves. I spent years having what should be the most stable part of my life (my home), be the most unstable, so I struggled allowing myself to get comfortable with any living arrangements. I was terrified of attaching myself to place. Every time I started to feel comfortable, it was time to move again. 

I thought this feeling would come to an end after I moved to San Francisco in 2021. For the first time in my life, I was in charge of where home was, but even at that apartment, I never allowed myself to truly settle in. Something in my spirit just wouldn't allow me to let go of my nomad ways. Anyone who has visited my old apartment can tell you, I was a basic necessities girl. As far as furniture went, I had a bed, a dresser (kind of) and a couch, and any decorations I put up could easily be taken down (and reused) and inexpensive, incase I had to throw things away. In other words, I was always ready to be displaced from my home again. And in July of 2022, I was. 

This apartment was my first time signing my own lease, and I hadn't had much guidance on things to look out for (they really bamboozled me with the COVID rent specials). So when my landlord hit me with that $700 rent increase and "3-day notice to pay or quit", you know what I did?  I quit that mf lease 😂. I didn't understand how it was legal to increase someone's rent like that, but I did know I wasn't paying it. After that, I also knew that I didn't want to sign another lease in the Bay. I was being rushed out of one place and didn't even have enough time to research and find another place between when I received the notice and when I had to make a decision on keeping my lease (I had about a week). 

Luckily, I have the best girlfriend in the world and she told me that I could stay with her to give myself more time to find a new apartment. I was nervous about this too because I'd never lived with my partner before and our relationship was still very new, but I was so grateful to have somewhere to go. However, once again, I was back living in a borrowed space. Most of my belongings had to go into storage and the things I was able to bring to her place had to be kept in bins and suitcases (she did clear out some closet space for me). This was a very triggering and traumatic time in my life, and as much as she kept telling me to "make myself at home" and that it was "our apartment" now, I just knew that I couldn't, because it wasn't. 

I quickly got used to living out of suitcases again, this is how I'd spent more than half my life, but because I dreaded opening them up every time I had to get dressed to go somewhere, I decided to just stop going places. And if you know me, you know I love getting dressed up, but at the time it was just a reminder of the fact that I didn't have a place to put my things. A reminder that I didn't have a home. My partner's lease was going to be up a few months after I came to stay with her, and we both had the same feelings about staying in the Bay. We both felt that our time there had simply expired, and it was time to find somewhere that was a better fit. 

I'd been telling my friends and family I was going to live in LA since I was 13/14 years old. I just thought I'd spend more of my 20s living in different cities/states out of curiosity, but at the end of the day if I settled down in the United States, it would be Los Angeles. At one point (actually up until the last few weeks), I was considering moving to Atlanta. I'd always enjoyed myself when I visited, I have a few family members there and my best friend lives there, but when the time came to actually pick a place and start figuring out how to get my belongings across the country, I realized I really didn't want to leave California. In fact, my spirit was telling me "if you move to Atlanta, you still won't feel at home." And even though I only have one family member out here (and she's still over an hour away from me), I knew that I would find a true home here. 

And that feeling of finally being home, of finally feeling secure, finally having a place to put my belongings, that's the feeling that hit me when I hung up my last pair of pants. Pure gratitude. I finally feel like I can start investing in nice decorations and real bedroom furniture because I'm not going to have to throw it out or give it away because I have to suddenly move again. I'm still renting, don't get me wrong, but I actually love the place I'm renting this time and know that I have the knowledge and finances to keep it. 

A piece of home will always be with my mom and sisters, but now it feels right to finally make a home a physical place. It doesn't feel baseless when I say "I'm ready to go home." Y'all can keep the "my man, my man, my man", all y'all are going to see and hear from me is "my home, my home, my home." And I can't wait to continue making this space mine. 

Thank you for reading, and if this isn't a feeling you've experienced yet, I pray it comes to you soon. Everyone deserves to have a home. 

With love, light and inspiration. 

- A Nomad No More