Breaking the Bad Bitch Pt. 2

How often do you forgive yourself? When was the last time you dug within and said, “Yes, I did something. Yes, I could have done better. I know I’m not perfect, but my imperfections don’t make me unworthy of anything.”

 

These steps can’t be skipped in the evolution of the bad bitch.

 

Let me be honest, part one was 3 years ago, and part two is filled with a lot of the same lessons. Here’s the thing with life & spirituality though… you will be sent the same lessons repeatedly, until you pass the test. In that time, you will also be sent new lessons to learn, but the Universe will not skip past anything, until you prove you are ready.

 

Apparently, that’s why some people die and get reincarnated in the same place they left… because they died with a hard ass head.

 

Quite frankly, I’d still been struggling with putting myself first and being who I want to be versus other’s expectations. I thought that I had healed the people-pleasing & self-sacrificing version of myself, but my last relationship reopened a lot of her wounds, and I am once again taking care of her.

 

Let’s talk about “her” for a second.

 

She always puts love first. There isn’t an issue that can’t be solved, so long as there’s love. It doesn’t matter what either person said or did, because love is always stronger.

 

She’s an optimist, she leads with her heart and quite frankly, she’s naïve. The thing about her is she allows her emotions to outweigh her intellect, and her intuition to be clouded by a desire to be loved by any means. She allowed people to do the same things over and over, because they apologized and told her they loved her.

 

Her value is rooted in her relationships. She craves connection with the outside world, wanting people to know who she is at her core. At the same time, she doesn’t speak up for herself, because she’s scared if she does people won’t like her. Then again, how could anyone ever get to know her, if she isn’t communicating to them who she is, in the first place?

 

She always makes sure everyone else is okay before she checks on herself, never wanting to be a burden because she fears she’ll no longer be valued.

 

She’s mute and she’s cute.

 

She plays the role of the “perfect person” so well, that when she finally makes a mistake, her world comes crumbling down. And when she looks at the mess she’s made, she blames herself and spends all her energy trying to earn forgiveness from everyone, but herself.

 

 

She is my shadow. And I forgive her for having me out here looking like a fool.

 

As I’m taking care of our girl and patching up her wounds, I’m giving her permission to move on with grace and better boundaries. Reminding her every day, that while love is beautiful, it’s the purest when it comes from within.

 

A love that is meant for you, will never have you questioning your worth. And the moment you question the intention of the love someone is offering you; you need to walk away.

 

There is a world of people so eager to meet us! And I say us, because no matter how much healing and growing I do, she will always be a part of me. I have no intentions of running from her, because what would that be showing her? That I don’t love the part of me, that is her. Every day I embrace her with the love she seeks outwardly and remind her that if we end up being all we have, that is more than enough! Self-love is abundance.

 

So yeah, I’m out here in Los Angeles aligning with my dreams as I align with myself. I’m trying shit out lol, some of it’s working, other times it’s working me. I’m opening up and standing ten toes on who I am. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like the people around me actually know ME. They’ll send me Tik Toks with the message, “you,” and my response is consistently, “very on brand.”

 

Speaking of Tik Tok, I saw a video where a man spoke on how people who hate themselves, will always search for that hatred in others. They will always look for subliminal messages in what other people say, because they’re seeking out how they feel about themselves, in others.  And while I never hated myself, I can acknowledge that I didn’t accept the hurting girl in me. In turn, making her feel unworthy caused me to accept bare minimum bullshit from others, because I was constantly questioning my worth. What’s the point in owning a Birkin if there’s only $20 in it?

 

To everyone who got to meet my shadow self, congratulations and you’re welcome. I don’t regret a single thing she did and to be honest, you should be grateful for every experience you had with her. To this day, she leads with nothing but pure intentions and a desire to have the love she gives reciprocated. She doesn’t regret an ounce of the love she gave, but together we know when to stop giving it now.

 

Anyway, it was nice catching up with y’all! Do it again, in another three?