Don't be Afraid to be a Big Deal

 How can I expect my peers to support me when I only half support myself because I fear the criticism that comes with a spotlight?  

Every time I find myself posting on social media more often and consistently, I think "people are going to get tired of me posting so much. I should post less." Quite frankly, I don't want to come off as "making myself a big deal." But I am quite literally the biggest deal in my own life. Are you not? 

I've always ran from other's perception of me. I don't want people to think I'm conceited so I don't post every single fire picture I take. I don't want to come off as boastful so I post less of my accomplishments. I don't want opinions so I don't ask and I don't tell. 

I've basically turned myself into the invisible woman.

And I'm so tired of it. 

Being overly humble has afforded me nothing. 

Unraveling childhood trauma and all, I can admit I'm someone who has tied my worth to my image and my performance. And I don't mean looks, I mean my reputation. 

I was the ugly child who got good grades and participated in after-school activities (I don't recall being seen as "pretty" until late into high school). Any mistake I made, I took it to heart because I was scared I'd be loved less after. I felt like all I had to offer was my performance.  

Once I was done with school, I had to figure out a new way to measure my "performance." 

Social media... 

It's one of the top metrics of one's "performance" nowadays, whether that be in advertisements or how "well" people perceive someone's life is going. But unless you're a celebrity or socialite, people find it cringe or embarrassing to post online too much. 

As if you're supposed to think less of yourself if you're not an Instagram baddie or running a six-figure business. 

I am big deal. I've accomplished and am working on a lot of things that I am proud of. 

AND THE WORLD IS GOING TO SEE IT.

If I don't advocate for myself every day and post the things I love, the things that make me interesting, the things I find beautiful about my life, who will? 

Why should I fade into the ordinary when I know I'm meant for more? 

Assimilation is the assassination of what makes you unique. 

Don't be afraid to be a big deal.