Breaking the Bad Bitch Pt. 1

The honest truth is, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life is hard. 

In a world where there's so many things you could be, the idea that you have to have it figured out at any point in life sounds ridiculous. 

So when the world starts creating labels for you, it's easy to just accept them. 

I remember my sophomore year of college, the first time someone called me a "bad bitch." I was shocked, thinking, I do not give Jayda, Ari, Megan, none of that. They're delusional. 

I'd just learned how to take care of my hair, I could barely apply strip lashes, didn't feel comfortable in heels and to be honest, I was still learning how to throw together a fire fit. 

My best friend (left) and I our freshman year of college. 

Me, my sophomore year of college. 

To me, the "baddies" could do all of that, they were the ultimate fine women.  The blueprint. 

Their hair was always done, face beat, the best dressed in any room; I never thought in a million years that would ever be me (read my "Inspired to Inspire" post to understand). 

But then different people starting referencing me that way as well, so I thought to myself, well if this is who I am now, I need to start acting like it.

I performed a whole review and audit on my life. Starting with my wardrobe. 

I completely revamped my closet. I threw away anything that I didn't think a baddie would wear (the tighter the better, and mind you, I used to be thick). 

My worn out Ugg sneakers, (yes Ugg used to make sneakers) gone. 

The Easter Sunday dress I'd had since I was 15, gone. 

My jeans that had holes where my thighs kept rubbing together, even though they made my ass look phenomenal, gone.  

I turned in the things I wanted for the things I thought I needed, to meet everyone's new perception of me. 

I even began picking up on "bad bitch habits." 

I started by archiving all of my posts prior to college. I created my "roster" (the girls that get it, get it); started attending more parties/social gatherings (just to be seen) - which also led to me drinking and smoking more; and my worth became tied to how much people liked the way I looked. 

Me, my junior year of college. 

Me, my senior year of college. 

I'd always known I was somewhat attractive, it's not like I'd never been called pretty before, but the attention I started receiving was just different. 

I became desired. 

I was good at building a bad bitch, but she was hollow. 

Looking back, I realized this is where I'd also lost touch with the things that'd brought me so much joy and sanity. I found it harder to sit down and turn my feelings into a poem or song. I no longer went outside just to sit in nature. I even changed my majors from Journalism and Sociology to Finance Economics and Accounting (nothing wrong with being where the money resides, but the passion was not there). 

I still kept up with important things like my grades, extracurriculars and internships, but those things were simultaneously tied to the image I was trying to create... a bad bitch with brains and bands. 

I did what everyone expected me to do, I continued to meet all of their expectations of me. 

And then there I was, a college graduate sitting in my new apartment in California, working for a "Big Four" financial firm, making more money than anyone in my family ever had; and I felt so empty.

Because I was new to the area, I didn't know anyone and therefore had nowhere to go or anything to get cute for (COVID was still at its height as well). Where was I going to find my worth if I wasn't out reminding everyone I was a bad bitch? Then when I stopped doing my hair, putting on lashes and tight clothes, I started to wonder if I even was one.

In addition to that, before I moved to California I'd also lost over 50 pounds due to Crohn's disease, and I wasn't comfortable in my new body. My clothes didn't fit the same. FashionNova had been one of my go-to shopping sites when I was curvy, but at my new weight, the clothes didn't fit me the way they used to, even when I ordered smaller sizes. 

I felt so vulnerable.

Me, May of 2020, around 150-160 pounds.

Me, December '20 around 100-110 pounds. 

Everyone thought I had it together. I'd post a picture on instagram every once in a while but after I posted, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Sure I looked cute but I wasn't really doing anything, I had nowhere to go, no passions I was pursuing. Nothing in my life felt like it had any meaning. 

When the COVID restrictions started lifting, I quickly found myself caught up in trying to replicate the life I had back home. I was spending recklessly, trying to maintain in areas that cared nothing for my well-being. Entertaining people I knew I had no real potential with. And excusing toxic behavior for the sake of having something to do. 

And one day, I realized everything I mentioned above. I realized my vision for myself was so blank, because I was trying to create a life I didn't even envision myself in. Living my life for other people. For their pleasure. 

And a bad bitch does aim to please... but it should never be at her own expense.